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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in guitar_mistress' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 19th, 2011
1:58 am
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
4:11 am
A Tsunami of Disappointment
A Tsunami of Disappointment
by E. Francis Colin

I’m loving you across an ocean, but the waves beat away the best of it and steal the intensity. You get almost nothing of what I’ve sent.The next time I send more, but no extra got through. The sea had acquired a taste for my sweet affection.

So last time, I send all that I had to give, and the ocean swallowed it all. I tried so hard, but now I’m tired, and you don’t even know I’m here. On the other end of this sea that divides you and me, you try to send my heart a loving telegram to give me strength and hope, but all I get are beeps. The meaning is somehow lost and you’re just out of reach.
4:09 am
Forget the Moon, Land on My Doorstep Instead
Forget the Moon, Land on My Doorstep Instead
by E. Francis Colin

My favorite moment that exists
is when you can't stop smiling long enough to kiss
when you want to be
just as close as you can breathe
With nothing between except ecstasy

And I can't stand to miss one second, miss one sentence
I need to be near those soft, sweet lips
To hear your words and feel your kiss
And when you're not near I don't quite exist
Can’t quite function because I miss
You so bad that I can't fucking breathe
But I discovered something from this grief,
It’s impossible to cry yourself to sleep
And the only thing worse than not sleeping next to you
Is lying awake just trying to get through
The worst fucking night of my life

Sometimes I want to die without you by my side
There's just not enough to occupy my time
I can't keep you off my mind
and it just makes me miss you all the more
You're what I'm loving and living for

I need you near me when I'm sad to make me feel complete,
to keep me from myself and everything else I keep
bottled up when I overthink and underact
You make me realize what is really in front of me
that it’s love that lies at my feet.
It is your love that warms our bed as we sleep
and envelopes us in a heap
of blankets where safe we will surely keep

Your touch leaves a mark and a smile on my chin
I can still feel your love in my skin,
flowing through my veins like a deadly sin
and pumping through my heart,
it's you that makes it start
It's your love that keeps my heart beating
and encourages my lungs to continue breathing
You are every part of me.
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
3:05 pm
Stretched Out on the Welcoming Ground: A Short Story
I cut a hole in my abdomen and let the caffeine riddled blood trickle out, seeping past my intestines and onto the already soiled floor. It collides with the mess I've created and becomes a permanent fixture; as if it were always there and forever welcome. What has become of me?

A smile somehow creeps across my face like this were any other day, and I'm happy. I swear I am. Why would I lie? I know she doesn't believe me. She could see into my torment and would reveal my fractured soul if only she were getting paid more. She just wants to keep these sessions going for as long as possible with me in this it's-okay-to-open-up couch. She doesn't care. That posed thoughtful look reveals a shopping list beneath, things to do later. If she's listening, I don't even know what she's hearing. I stopped listening long ago. What am I telling her? I could be discussing the meaning of life, the secrets to resurrection, how to make napalm with household items, or just blabbering on about my stupid little life.

She suddenly stands and walks over to the mirror. She's holding a blade I didn't see here with a moment ago. It's like it just appeared out of nowhere, out of necessity. Like this were an everyday activity, she raises the sharpened object to her face. It catches a flash of light on its shiny surface. It's not even noon, but she must be worried about that five o'clock shadow as she runs the blade across her cheeks. Under her jaw line. Around the lips. She doesn't miss a spot, or an ounce of flesh. Dripping with this dark red color, she smiles. Job well done.

She's back in the chair. Did she walk over there? It didn't look like it. She just was; with that same fake thoughtfulness she thinks is comforting.

Our hour's up. She tries to comfort me by saying everything's going to be fine. Help is here. But help for what? Have I discussed some aspect of my life in such detail that she thinks we're making progress? Do I even speak or do we just sit in silence every week? Is she the crazy one, imagining a conversation that never happened? I step outside to smoke in the rain. Why do I even bother? Does it help or is it just my own little connection to the world, to something? A Friend.

I set my friend on fire.

The smoke enters my lungs only long enough to seep through my septum. The fire of my self-fulfilling frustration exhaled with every elongated breath. Deeper and longer, but it doesn't ease the pain of knowing or the constant aching reminder that I won't do anything to change.

Or maybe I just have nothing better to do.

I walk on in search of something new. It could be worse, but at least it won't be the same. I have yet to find anything truly worse than banality.

I see a flash of her worried face and then close my eyes. She disappears and so do I.

Monday, June 16th, 2008
3:51 pm
The Holy Trinity of Comedy: More Proof
Be Kind Rewind:
A Movie With 90s Skit Comedy Roots

The Holy Trinity Theory:
There is a trend of comedic actors appearing in their friends' comedic movies. There are 3 main things which join these actors in order to comprise this underground comedic circle: Reno 911!, Strangers With Candy, and Paul Rudd. It may take a degree or two, but easy connections can be made.

In Be Kind Rewind are actors:
Matt Walsh (UCB, Reno 911! and Strangers With Candy)
Paul Dinello (Exit 57 and Strangers With Candy)
P.J. Byrne ("Reno 911!")

Thursday, May 15th, 2008
11:03 pm
No GLBT Student Shall Express Affection of Any Kind
REPOST from HP Alliance on Myspace

Let’s Stick It To Dolores (For Real)!!!

Professor Umbridge strikes again, this time in the muggle world. Our friends at Advocates for Youth (check em out) have put out this action alert about a high school principal who is abusing her position of power to spread homophobia and harass the students at her school. Sound familiar? Just as Professor Umbridge created an atmosphere of fear and intolerance at Hogwarts, so too is Principal Daphne Beasley at her Memphis High School. This time it is for real, and we need to join together as a Dumbledore's Army for the real world to stop it. Check out this alert and follow the link to an action center where you can easily send emails and stick it to Dolores!

-Will Delphia - HP Alliance

In a Memphis high school, Principal Daphne Beasley made an announcement over the PA system demanding that teachers provide her with the names of all "hetero and homo" student couples. Principal Beasley then publicly posted the list in her office.

Two boys – Nicholas and Andrew – suddenly found that the whole school new about their relationship. Worse still, Principal Beasley called Nicholas' mother to inform her that her son was part of a gay couple. Ms. Beasley also told the mother that she did not like homosexuals and that homosexuality would not be tolerated in her school.

It's time to take a stand against anti-GLBT harassment in our schools.

Write to the Memphis City school board to demand that Principal Beasley be reprimanded for her actions and that policies be implemented to protect students from future harassment by school staff. Click here to take action now!

Principal Beasley was apparently worried about "public displays of affection." But for students like Nicholas and Andrew, her all-too-public display of intolerance carried real consequences. Not only have the boys experienced increased harassment at school by faculty and fellow students, but Nicholas was not selected for a recent community service trip because he might "embarrass" the school by engaging in gay affection.

The American Civil Liberties Union plans on to file suit on behalf of Nicholas and Andrew charging that the school violated the boys' Constitutional right to freedom of association.

It's time for the Memphis City School Board to protect its students – not Principal Beasley's homophobia. Write to them today !

This incident is an outrage – but please keep in mind that respectful emails are more likely to be effective. If you have a personal story about the struggles of GLBT youth (and you feel comfortable sharing this story), School Board members need to hear from you.

The Memphis City school board's upcoming decision is about so much more than one principal's closed-minded views of GLBT students. It's about implementing policies that protect the rights and safety of all students – regardless of sexual orientation.

Let's show them the world is watching. Together, we can make a difference.
Friday, May 9th, 2008
9:42 pm
My Weakness for Redheads with Facial Hair

I don't know you, but I want you all the more for it.

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go
Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
12:46 am
Stone Butch Blues
I started reading this book, Stone Butch Blues, because it kept coming up when I was looking into transbooks. I'm only about 30 pages in, but I am completely in love with the main character, Jess (who is a Jew), and the author, Leslie Feinberg.

Jess has to recite 8 lines of her favorite poem for a class assignment--I believe she is in high school at the time. She chooses "Childhood's Hour" by Edgar Allan Poe:

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

The whole point of the book--at least so far--is illustrating how alone Jess feels because she is not accepting the "appropriate" gender role. Even as an adult in the 1970s, the police routinely start beating people up who are in the gay clubs, as it was against the law for two members of the same sex to dance together. In this case, the butches team up with the drag queens to show how this is such a normal club.

I think LESLIE FEINBERG is my new hero. She also has written Drag King Dreams and TransLiberation: Beyond Pink or Blue.

Saturday, April 12th, 2008
11:12 pm
Tuesdays' Secrets
Tuesday Night. A Short Short Story.

Lora and a group of students (me included) were working on a project together outside of class. We were sitting around a grand dining room table, which seated about twelve people, in her home. I was sitting to Lora's right, and we crossed our pinkies as if they were holding hands [as seen above]. While this was not the most discrete way to do it, all of us students had papers scattered everywhere so it was a very casual environment, and many were working in close proximity. No attention was drawn on us, so this was our little secret. We could be productive, but still be together, and every little while, we would sneak a loving, enigmatic glance because the thrill of being with one another but no one knowing even when it was right in front of them was what was exciting.

We would smile, maybe let out a light chuckle, and get on with the day.

Monday, March 31st, 2008
10:48 pm
I Heart Jews
I just missed being able to see the four-eyed boob-loving Jew from Ohio by a day. We got there on Sunday afternoon.

The Silent Movie Theatre was about a 5 minute walk from the Hostel.

It's stuff like this that makes me want to move out to LA at least for a month or so in the hopes of seeing more underground comedy such as this.

Also, March 17th, the week before we arrived, the cast of The State appeared for a special show at the UCB Theatre with Kevin Allison, Michael Ian Black, Robert Ben Garant, Todd Holoubek, Michael Patrick Jann, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Thomas Lennon, Joe Lo Truglio, Ken Marino, Michael Showalter, and of course, David Wain.

This whole experience has made me want to take about 6 months and just spend a bunch of time in New York, Boston, Chicago, LA again, and maybe a couple of other places. London, the Basque, why not Paris?
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
10:42 pm
Gay Beaches
I seriously contemplated living near the Santa Monica Pier, today. I could learn to surf and skateboard and occasionally ride the roller coaster. I could swim and run on the beach and there's a video store just off Venice Beach. Venice has all kinds of street performers and little shops with cheap t-shirts. The next time I go to LA, I'll probably stay at the hostel on Venice Beach, which is also where Luke stayed before he came to West Hollywood.

We missed seeing Bridget McManus and the Ukulady, but ended up going to this gay club called Arena because they had an 18+ night.

On the way back from the club, we had a conversation--well, it was really just nodding along to what the guy is saying and hope he does not attack us--with a homeless man at about 4am. In my Johnny Rotten Sex Pistols t-shirt, he talked about how Johnny was not real and neither was England. He also seemed to believe Pink's (a hot dog stand) was really owned by Dave Grohl. Then he got into a really creepy talk about how women were not really intended, that they are just castrated men with holes made; but then he also seemed to think women could grow penii, so I'm not sure what he was talking about. Surprise, right?
Monday, March 24th, 2008
10:21 pm
The Kodak Theatre
We got to stand on the actual stage and sit in the front rows. The entire time, I just kept thinking about how Helen Mirren had sat there and been on that very stage. Yeah, I'm completely entralled by her.

Eddie Izzard will be performing there in August and how cool would it be to be there when it happens.

Then we went to see a taping of The Late Late Show with Craig Fergusen, and he is HILARIOUS. Roshida Jones was on and that was super cool. After she left, Craig was talking to us about how hot she is and for a second I was like, "Why is is saying this on camera?" and then I realized we weren't taping.

Apparently, I'm more obsessed with Kevin Spacey than I thought I was. A magazine on the plane had a cover article about him and his new movie 21. Then I saw his star on the Walk of Fame and then one night Outbreak was on at the hostel.

I should see how many K. Spacey movies I have and figure out if I like him enough for it to be creepy!
Friday, March 7th, 2008
12:19 pm
Perfume: the Story of a Murderer

This is what should have been on the label for his perfumes:



Monday, February 18th, 2008
11:12 pm
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
11:36 am
No Hair Pictures

This one makes it look like I have a red Mohawk!... though I don't:

11:25 am
I was browsing through some icons/banners/colorbars I had made and came across this one:


and you know what, I'm still not ready to say goodbye. I waited so long for that Grissom/Sara kiss, and when it finally happened it was the saddest thing I've ever seen. I cried so hard when she left.



This damn OTP gave me so much joy and now so much sorrow. Fuck, I'm being so melodramatic.

Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
1:00 am
You know how there are those code genderator things that come up with a random selection of letters you have to type in to prove you are not a robot?


Well, nevermind... but this is what one yeilded today:

Saturday, February 2nd, 2008
11:45 pm
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
2:55 pm
Hello, Saferide

Annika: Vocals, acoustic guitar Andreas Söderlund: Bass guitar, electric
guitar, harmonium, keyboards, programming Christian Gabel: Drums Ludwig Bell: Vocals

Finally, the sky is blue
Last night, my friends dragged me to some lake
We drove there real late, we went too fast
Sipping cheap sangria in the backseat
Everybody are laughing and we are listening to our favorite songs
But I thought you said summer is going to take the pain away

January brought a headache
In February, it got even worse
And when you thought it couldn’t get more awful
Say hello to March
April brought me to a funeral
Gained another ten pounds in May
But I thought you said summer is going to take the pain away

Have you ever had the feeling no one really knows what you’re all about
And when you try to show them
They all have things to do tonight

Up on a roof, looking over the city
All by myself thinking:
There is nowhere I would rather be than here, so why am I not
Like the others, and why are you not here with me doing crossword puzzles
Saying: it’s going to be okay
Summer’s going to take the pain away
When I’m gone, I promise
It’s going to be okay
Summer is going to take the pain away

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
11:46 am
Fuckity Fucking Fuckers!
The Westboro Baptist Church is a hatemongering "religious" organization famous for picketing soldier's funerals with signs that say "Soldiers Die, God Laughs." They believe America's toleration of Homosexuality and the military not seeking to eliminate it is the reason soldiers DESERVE to die in Iraq. By the Way, their CHURCH website's URL is GodHatesFags.com.

Anyway, the reason I am posting is because they are going to protest at HEATH LEDGER'S GODDAMN FUNERAL! I'm not exactly all sobby, sob, sob over his death, but it is the loss of a young life so I pause to respect that and am inclined to be PISSED AT THIS BLATANT DISRESPECT.

If you hadn't caught on, they are only doing this because he was in Brokeback Mountain.

Here is the website entry about this BITCH-ASS CRAZYNESS!
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